


Broken

by Girl_Love_38



Category: Call the Midwife, Delia Busby - Fandom, Patsy Mount - Fandom, Patsy and Delia - Fandom, patsy/delia - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Childhood Trauma, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2018-11-02 00:08:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10932852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girl_Love_38/pseuds/Girl_Love_38
Summary: Mostly Smut, have elaborated on Patsy's past. Trigger Warning re childhood abuse. PTSD





	1. Her

**Author's Note:**

> First fan fic, hoping its not too awful. Feel free to leave comments :)  
> More to come...

I pushed her hard up against the wall. My hands on her waist, body pressed against hers. She thrust her hips into mine in response, her eyes dark, challenging me.  
I smiled down at her, we stopped, the world stopped for just a moment as I looked into her eyes. My god I loved this woman. Her blue eyes darkened with desire, mouth slightly open, panting. The softness of her body against mine, I could feel the heat between us, our hearts beating.  
I pushed my knee between her legs, placing just enough pressure for her to catch her breath slightly. I kissed her slowly and deliberately as I took her hands in mine and moved to hold them above her head. I kissed her jaw and nipped her neck.  
'not fair' she said. 'Delia, I never said I'd be fair' I responded with a wink. 'Don't move'. 

I held her arms with one hand and ripped at her shirt with the other, pulling it open far enough to reveal her amazing breasts heaving in black lace. I dipped my head and took a nipple in my mouth, biting down hard. 'Patsy, please' she gasped thrusting into me again. I stood up straight and pulled at her jeans, slipping my hands into her underwear, into her wet folds. We both moaned. I kissed her again, hard and roughly, letting go of her hands as I pulled her back towards me.  
She immediately started tearing at my shirt, desperate for contact. I moved us into the bedroom, kicking the door shut behind us. She broke the kiss long enough to get my shirt over my head then or mouths found each other again, tongues entwined in a battle for dominance. I kept circling her clit as she became wetter and wetter. Her nails scratching at my back.  
We reached the bed and she fell onto it, moaning in disappointment at the loss of contact. I pulled her pants off, taking her underwear with them, while she removed her bra.  
I climbed on top of her, our bodies barely touching as I held myself up with my arms. I began kissing her jaw, licked and nibbled my way down her neck and chest until I reached her breasts. I took one nipple in my mouth, teasing and lapping at it as it hardened. Pinching the other with my hand. I worshiped her breasts, taking one then the other for several minutes, her moans growing louder and stronger. Her hands were in my hair, pulling me hard against her in frustration.  
I continued kissing down, as I settled kneeling between her legs. I traced my fingers down her abdomen and swiped my tongue over the bottom of her tummy, the part I knew made her tremble. I could smell her desire and it was all I could do not fall apart myself, so turned on by this gorgeous woman. I moved my hands to her legs, lightly running them from ankle to thigh. I Moved myself up to kiss her again. Gently at first, but quickly it turned frantic as desire took us both over, I could feel her wetness against my stomach, her hands pulling at my breasts.  
I moved my head and kissed just under her ear.  
I breathed in her scent, her skin prickling as she felt my breath on her. I reached my hand down and plunged my fingers into her as I whispered ' I want to fuck you all night'. She cried out, rocking her hips back and forth into me, as I moved my fingers in and out of her. My hips behind my hand pushing into her centre. I knew it wouldn't take long, she was already so worked up. I curved my fingers to hit the sweet spot, as her juices ran down my hand. She was gasping for air, eyes closed, beautiful, but not in control of her movements, Just reacting to the waves of pleasure. I could feel the muscles inside her start to tighten and spasm more quickly as she yelled out. I took a nipple in my mouth and curved my fingers. I felt the waves break as she screamed out my name, holding onto me as she came. I kept going, only slowing down as she did, before removing my fingers once the whimpering had died down.  
She pulled me up to her, I could see the sweat all over her face and chest, her hands trembling.  
'Patsy, I love you'  
'I love you Deels'  
We kissed and then I rested my forehead on hers while she gained back control of her breathing. She opened her eyes and smiled at me. 'That was amazing'.  
'You're amazing' I replied. ' But I'm not finished with you yet' I grinned at her. rolling of her onto my side.  
She rolled towards me and placed her hand gently on my side and kissed me. Her eyes searched mine. 'Pats', she began quietly, 'I want to...' I stopped her by kissing her gently, softly. 'Don't Deels, I can't yet' I whispered as I rested my forehead on hers.  
' Please, let me try?'  
Her eyes searched mine pleading, I looked back at her and nodded slightly, I wanted this to work, to make her happy. I didn't want her to feel bad or inadequate.  
Delia began kissing me as she rolled on top of me, murmuring quietly to calm me. As she began kissing my neck and chest, I felt by chest tighten, the panic beginning. I brought my hands to my face, and tried breathing slowly to relax and enjoy what was happening. Delia noticed and took one of my hands in hers, 'It's OK, it's only me,' I nodded and she kept going kissing my breasts and sucking on my nipples. I gasped, torn between the enjoyment and what was happening in my head. Maybe this would be the night I'd be OK. She traced her hand lower and undid my jeans, as I tensed up she came back up to me and kissed me. Then wiped away the tears I hadn't realized were falling.  
'Pats, look at me.' She whispered. 'Baby, please, its ok' I looked at her and my heart broke, the concern in her eyes. I nodded and she put her hand lower and pulled my pants slightly lower, than ran her fingers over my underwear. I took a deep breath and tried to quiet my mind. Repeating in my head over and over, it's Delia, you're 27, you're safe.  
Suddenly she moved both hands to my hips, just to stabilize herself as she straddled me. My eyes shot open and I sat up. I grabbed her hands. I couldn't breath, My mind crashing back to so many years earlier. I cant do this. She was shocked at my sudden movement and nearly fell. I let go of her hands, I was dizzy, I shook my head, I couldn't speak. I tried to breath, to calm myself. I could see I was scaring her but I couldn't get the words out to comfort her. She climbed off me in tears. I could hear her calling me but she sounded so far away. The ringing in my ears, the metal taste in my mouth, the pins and needles up and down my body taking over.

At that moment the front door opened and shut. Delia hurriedly got dressed and ran out calling after Trixie. They both came running back in. They were talking but I didn't understand. I felt a shaky hand on my shoulder- Delia. I wanted to hold her and apologize but I couldn't move. Trixie was on the other side of me and lay me down. I started to breath better, but that just let the tears start. Eventually I started to fall asleep.  
Not before I heard Delia crying and asking why?


	2. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patsy realizes she will have to tell Delia why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a comment!

I woke up late the next day, my head pounding, as it so often did after one of my 'episodes'. My eyes were sore and dry from crying,my face stinging from the salt. I took a deep breath, remembering what happened the night before and wondering what I would face today, relieved that I had a few days off from work. I reached over to hold Delia, to tell her it wasn't her, to ask for forgiveness.  
My hands found only an empty bed. I sat up and looked around my room. Delia's clothes and bag were gone. I knew she didn't have to start work til the evening, usually that would mean she'd stay with me and we'd get breakfast. But she didn't stay. I checked my phone, I had a few messages.  
Delia: I'm sorry, I love you.  
I could feel her pain through the phone, the confusion, the fear. I hated that I made her feel this way. I messaged back, telling her I loved her, that I could explain, that she had nothing to apologize for.  
Just then there was a knock on my door and Trixie walked in.  
'Hey, how are you feeling? I bought you some tea. You look like shit Pats'  
I smiled and gave a sarcastic reply but she shook her head and sat down on my bed. I could see her trying to figure out how to say what she wanted without hurting me.  
'Trix? I'm sorry' I mumbled and gave her hand a quick squeeze. She turned to me and looked at me like I'd just said something offensive about her family.  
'Patsy Mount, you don't have to apologize! What happened is completely understandable and not your fault!!' She said angrily.  
I began to interrupt her, to make a joke, to burst the tension, but she held a hand up to stop me.  
'Pats, don't. I know its hard, I know. But please don't make a joke. I love you, and will always look after you. And Delia loves you too, but you need to tell her. I assumed you already had- given that you guys have slept together. But last night after you finally fell asleep, Delia fell apart. She was so scared Patsy. She had no idea what was happening or why, and kept saying it was her, and that she didn't mean to. She left in tears, I couldn't calm the poor girl down.'  
Trixie exhaled and lit a cigarette. She looked over to me, her eyes questioning mine. I pulled my knees up to my chest and tried to ignore her long enough that she'd stop looking. But I should've known better.  
'Do you think I've ruined things with her?' I asked, terrified of the answer.  
'No pats, I don't, but I think you need to talk to her.' she replied. 'Patsy, you guys have been together for close to a year, you've slept together, how could she not know? Has this not happened before?'  
I sighed and dropped my head so she couldn't see how embarrassed I was by the question.  
Trixie was my best friend in the whole world, we'd known each other for years, shared everything together. But this... this was alot.  
'We have slept together' I mumbled. 'But I've never let her.... touch me' What I wouldn't give for an interruption at this moment.  
'What? I don't get it?' Trixie replied,genuinely confused.  
'I mean, we've kissed and stuff, but I've always pleased her... I've always made excuses or something so that she didn't, you know, please me'  
Trixie'e eyes grew wide in understanding. 'Oh!' she exclaimed.  
We were quiet for a few minutes as I climbed out of bed and started to get dressed. Hoping that the conversation could end, that I could try to find Delia.  
Suddenly Trixie stood up, crossed the room towards me and folded me into a tight hug. I was shocked at first, but then reciprocated.  
Oh Patsy, I'm so sorry,' she said through tears. 'I know' I said.  
I kissed her on the cheek, 'I have to go find Deels, but dinner tonight though yea? Girls night in? Takeaway and trashy TV? Call Babs too.' We smiled at each other, then I made my way out of my room and out of the house.  
I jumped in my car and made the familiar drive to my girlfriends house.


	3. hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> delia and patsy fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave comments 

I felt sick as I walked into the nurses home towards Delia's room. She would definitely be here, but she had to work in a few hours so I had no idea of she'd even want to see me.  
I reached her door, distinguished by a stupid selfie of Delia at a costume party. My stomach flipped looking at her adorable dimples and sparkling eyes.  
I cant lose her now.  
I took a deep breath to settle myself and knocked gently on the door.  
'Come in' Her voice was bright but I could tell she was upset.  
I opened the door gently and went in. Leaning against the back of the door as I closed it.  
'Hello darling' I whispered, tears threatening to fall.  
Delia gasped 'Sweetheart! I'm so glad you're ok. You scared me'. She raced across the room and threw herself into my arms, sobbing, the tears soaking my shirt.  
I held her and muttered things to calm her, and myself, while she cried herself out.   
After a few minutes her breathing returned to normal and she lifted her head.   
'Darling I'm so sorry' I said and leant in to kiss her, my lips just pushing ahainst hers when she suddenly pushed me away.  
'Patsy, what's going on?' She dragged me over to sit on her bed.  
'Delia , it's... this is hard. I dont know how to have this conversation' I said, not looking her in the eye.  
"Is it me? Do I not turn you on? Am I bad at that stuff?' she closed her eyes. Terrified of the answer.  
'No! Deels no, of course not! You are incredible.'   
'Well what then pats? Because you wont let me touch you. And you won't tell me why. I know theres something. I know Trix knows. Am I not important enough to you? I'm your girlfriend!!' She was up and pacing across the room now. Her voice raised.  
I'd never seem her like this.   
'Delia, I want you to know everything, you ARE everything' I said.  
'Well then what Pats? Tell me!!' she pleaded.  
'It's hard. I want to protect you' I whispered.  
I don't need or want protecting Patsy. I need you, I want you. All of you.'   
I nodded, tears falling now, scared and guilty at the thought of hurting Delia this way.   
'I want to discuss this with you. I really do, but this is a long conversation and you have work soon.' I was relieved I didn't have to discuss it now. I needed to figure out how. I wanted her to still love me for a little longer.  
Delia sat down next to me. Her voice gentle now. 'Ok Cariad, but we have to talk at some point. I nodded.   
'I promise' I said. taking her hand in mine.   
She wiped the tears from my face and leant in to kiss me. I kissed back and she broke into a smile.  
'I have an hour before I have to get ready for work. Lay down with me. I need us ro hold each other.' She took my hand and pulled me down on the bed. Wrapping ourselves around each other in a much practiced move.  
'I do love you Deels, I really do' I said.  
She smirked at me, ' I know darling, I really am incredible'. She chuckled. As we settled in for just a little while


	4. The night before the Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patsy gets ready for the conversation with Delia
> 
> A quick chapter, more updates very soon
> 
> Feel free to leave comments, Im still unsure where this will end up//

It had been a few weeks since Delia and I had fought and decided we needed to talk. The timing just hasn't been right since. I know Delia is frustrated, but this conversation will need space around it. It's not something that can be rushed in the hour between our conflicting shifts.  
Plus I fear this information will break us. And without her, I'm not sure who I am....

We finally had the same two days off coming up. I'd organised with Trixie and she was going to stay at Barbara's for a few days to give us some privacy.  
It was the Friday afternoon, Delia would be here early the next morning and Trix and I were packing her things and having a quiet night in.  
Once Trixie had decided that 8 outfits for 2 days might be enough, we settled on the couch with takeaway and a movie.  
'It will be ok' she said, about 45 minutes into the film.  
'What?' I replied, pretending I didn't know what she was talking about.  
'Patsy, I can feel how tense you are from the other end of the couch, and I can almost guarantee you have no idea what's happening in the film. Do you want to talk?'  
I stared straight ahead and willed myself not to cry. In a quiet voice that sounded nothing like my own, I whispered, ' What if she can't love me anymore?'  
Trixie sighed, and put her arms around me, we were both sniffing back tears. 'Sweetie, of course she will still love you, this doesn't make you unlovable, this doesn't change who you are or how people feel about you. I promise. It's not fair, but you have to be brave.'  
I just nodded, I knew she was making sense, I knew Delia wasn't like that, but I also know what this knowledge can do to a person, how it can destroy them. And I wanted to keep my love from any type of hurt and pain.  
'Come on Pats' Trixie pulled me up. 'Time for bed I think, we both need sleep.'  
I complied with her orders and started towards my room.  
'Trix, can you sleep in with me tonight? I'm going to have nightmares if I'm alone...' I asked, feeling suddenly like a kid asking If i could sleep with my mother.  
'Sure sweetie' she replied grabbing my hand. 'But no funny business,' She continued with a smirk. We both burst out laughing and got ready for bed.


	5. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patsy and Delia finally talk...
> 
> Trigger warnings for abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay in getting this chapter up- Life has been getting in the way!! Hopefully more soon though. Feel free to leave comments :)

Trixie had left early in the morning, Delia was due around 10am. I was trying to distract myself by cleaning already clean surfaces. It was not working. I had just finished going over the kitchen splash-back for the fifth time when there was a knock at the door, Delia. I looked at my watch. 9.59am.   
I straightened my shirt and walked towards the front door. As much as I wanted to see my love, I was so nervous I'd be happy to put off this conversation forever.  
I took a deep breath and opened the door. Delia looked at me with her dazzling smile and sparkling eyes.  
'Hello Pats' she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a firm hug. 'I've missed you sweetheart'. She mumbled into my chest, I could hear how nervous she was as well.  
'hello darling, I've missed you too' I replied, as I kissed the top of her head. Eventually we let each other go. I grabbed her other bag and gestured for her to go inside.  
I put her bags in my bedroom and returned to find her in the lounge. She was doing the same thing she did every time she was here- Looking through the bookshelves to see if we'd acquired anything new. I loved that about her. 'Deels, do you want a cup of tea?' I asked, breaking the silence. Hoping to do anything to distract from the tension I felt.   
'No thanks Pats.' she said as she flipped through some book she'd found. She turned around and walked over to where I was in the doorway. She took my hand and pulled me towards the lounge. 'Come on sweetheart, the longer we put this off the harder it will be.' She said gently. I pulled her back towards me and held both her hands in mine. She placed her hand on my cheek and opened her mouth to say something. I dipped my head and kissed her, cautiously. She kissed me back and we sighed into each other. It wasn't a frantic kiss. But it was one full of love and trust. After a moment, we parted, breathing hard. 'Patsy, please, we have to talk' She whispered. I nodded, 'I know'. We walked over to the lounge and sat down. Delia sitting facing me with her legs crossed like a little kid.   
'i don't know where to start Delia' I mumbled, tears already threatening to fall. Hating that this was even a conversation I had to have.  
'Start wherever Pats, I'm here' Delia reached over and gave my hand a squeeze. 'I love you, nothing can change that'  
'I love you too' I said. I took a deep breath and started.   
'I've told you about my time in the camp and how awful it was. The filth and the violence, the sickness and fear.The smell and sight of death. Watching my mother and sister... ' I trailed of as tears began to fall. Looking down, unable to look Delia in the eye. Though I could feel her hand on my arm.   
'That wasn't all.' I whispered. I took a deep breath,trying to work up the courage to continue.  
'I don't understand sweetheart' she said gently.  
'The soldiers punished me in another way as well.' I began. 'I don't know if it was to scare me or hurt me, or if it was to punish me for helping.' I continued, now that I started, I didn't really know how to stop.  
'At night the soldiers would come and take me from bed. Or where I was watching over my mother and sister. Knowing neither of them were well enough to know what was happening. I was too young to know what was happening. They took me sometimes to their quarters, sometimes a random building. My memory is fuzzy.' I shook my head, as if trying to get the memories to go away.   
'Patsy, what did they do to you?' Delia asked quietly her voice shaking, afraid of the answer.   
'They would interfere with me. I was so young, I didn't really know what was happening. I knew that it wasn't right. I knew that it hurt. But I couldn't stop them. I wanted to stop them but was so weak' My voice was coming out in gasps as I tried to pull myself together. I was too scared to look at Delia, terrified that this would be too much, that I was too broken and now she knew about it.  
'They-they molested you?' she asked. I looked up at her- her voice was like I'd never heard before. So full of anger and rage. I nodded, bracing myself for her reaction. Waiting for her to tell me it was too much to take in. That I was too hard to love.  
'Oh my darling, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry'. She moved forward and took me in her arms. We held each other as we cried. Cried for each other. 'Im sorry Delia' I kept whispering through tears as sobs racked my body.   
'No sweetheart, don't. You have nothing to apologize for. I love you.' We stayed like that for what felt like hours. Holding each other. Scared to let go. Wanting to shield ourselves from all the pain and hate outside just the two of us.  
Whispering I love you to each other, wishing that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea, shit got dark. And will continue to be for a little while. New chapter very soon. Hopefully next day or two.


	6. lunch break

After the tears finally stopped we sat together on the couch holding each other. I could see Delia’s  
mind going a mile a minute, yet she remained quiet. Too quiet. I didn’t know what else to say. I waited for her to talk. To say something. Anything.  
‘Delia?’  
She sat staring straight ahead, as though she hadn’t heard me.  
‘Delia?’ I repeated and squeezed her arm. She turned her head and looked at me. With a fierceness in her eyes I’d not seen before.  
‘How long have we been sitting here?’ she asked. I looked at my watch, ‘ A few hours, its 1:30’ I replied. ‘Delia, do you want to talk more?’ Her silence was scaring me. I expected the tears. I expected yelling and questions. I even expected her to tell me it was too much to take, but the silence was killing me.  
‘Pats,’ she began ‘I’m hungry- let’s order lunch’  
‘What, Delia, I-‘  
‘Patsy. I know you’re scared and hurting. I know we have more to talk about. But we also need to eat. We have the rest of the weekend to talk. God Pats we have our whole Lives. I love you. Let’s order some food’

And with that she stood up and went to get her phone. As if nothing had changed.  
While she ordered food I went and washed my face. Looking at myself in the mirror, I looked the same. Pale and with bloodshot eyes, but there was no discernible difference between me now and me 24 hours ago. Which was strange, because I felt like the entire world had shifted on its axis.  
At that moment my phone dinged with a new message. It was Trixie. I opened it up to see a picture of her and Barbara in a cinema-posing like charlie’s angels.  
‘I just wanted to check how things are going, to let you know that Barbara was totally flirting with the ticket guy and also that everything will be ok and we love you xx’  
I smiled as I read the message while walking out into the lounge. I typed back a quick reply then put my phone down.  
Delia looked up at me as I walked back into the lounge room.  
‘Lunch will be here in about 20 minutes, I ordered Thai’ she said.  
‘Ok’ I replied. ‘Delia, I think we need to keep talking. What I’ve told you is a lot to deal with, I know.’  
Delia stood from the lounge and crossed the room to me. She gently reached for my hand, as if she was scared to touch me. I took her hand in mine and lifted it to my lips, kissing the back of her hand.  
She looked up at me and stroked my cheek with her other hand. Her eyes not quite meeting mine. She put her head down and looked at the floor, rocking slightly on her heel. Which usually meant she was stealing herself to say something important.  
‘Patsy, we will keep talking. But first, can I please just have lunch with my girlfriend?’ she spoke so timidly.  
I nodded and smiled.  
‘Of course Deels, you can have anything you want’  
And then she hugged me tighter than I thought possible while we waited for the food to arrive…


End file.
